Did I do that?

So, I've been a christian since 1994.  There are things one aught to have figured out by this point, like driving a car.  Without thinking, I wave my wand and conjure my keys from the unnavigable abyss that is my house, walk to the van, open the door, sit down, insert keys, oops...collect and secure children, back to the driver seat, turn the key, put the car in gear, and take off, oops...put on seat belt, and take off.  Right? No relearning of old lessons, I just do what needs to be done and know what will happen.  

Why is it then, that when I begin each day's journey with God, I forget how to "drive"? Why must some lessons be relearned and reinforced over and over and over? No idea.  But they do, and this month has been filled with tough reminders of what happens when I forget what I know. Two things stand out, I'll talk about the first today. 

Lesson 1: Satan doesn't tell unbelievable lies.  

If you've been in a church much at all you've probably heard that Satan is the "father of lies", among other titles.  often we lull ourselves into thinking the lies are obvious, like my toddler with a chocolate smeared face telling me he has no idea what happened to the candy.  No, my toddler is a liar in training.  Left unchecked (relax, he won't go unchecked) he may develop into the masterful deceiver that prompts him now; but today, he's an amateur and I can see through it.  Not so with the devil.  He didn't come by his position as the patriarch of all liars (harken your mind to notorious deceivers like the Wolf of Wall Street, Ted Bundy, or Charles Ponzi) by being bad at his job.  Like the offenders aforementioned, he calms and entices his victims into trusting or agreeing with him until they are no more than fish willingly falling on hooks.  

Spoiler alert: we're the fish.  Call me Flipper, but I got duped good! 

I have 5 kids.  Enough said, grab the Xanax and go to bed.  Just kidding.  I have 5 kids, four of which I homeschool.  My husband is in the military, we are starting a new business (besides the other few businesses Craziness I'm married to keeps on the side), I had back surgery 3 months ago, we have 5 acres, 5 kids, 3.5 horses, a smattering of cats, an unruly 11 month old pit, and sooooo much poop, so much poop.  It's not hard to see that on any given day, there's too much to do and very little hope of doing it well. "Don't feel bad about yourself, anyone would cower at that!" you might say to me, and you'd be right. However, we are blessed to walk in the company of some remarkable people, equally loaded with heavy plates, and it's often hard to give myself grace when so many around me balance as much with seeming more ease. 

Father God does not accuse me of failure. Bless him, Morgan doesn't accuse me of failure.  But Bundy's invisible granddad does, On. The. Reg.! The Deceiver constantly points out all the things I didn't get done and points to the moms who did.  He shows me what I'm bad at (namely reading email...really extra bad at that) and highlights the ladies who are administrative rock stars.  He reminds me of times that I didn't measure up with a side of how it felt when I had an insecure moment.  

He does not tell me I'm a mermaid.  I would laugh at that because it's ridiculous.  Skillfully he takes a strand of truth, weaves it with an old wound, and sews a tapestry of failure, then hangs it next to a weaver's magnum opus.  Who can argue with that accusation.  He's not wrong.  I suck at what he pointed out, and other's don't.  Other's may even agree with him that I'm inadequate because I suck at what they don't.  And I'm left in a court room against a mountain of irrefutable evidence of my inadequacy with no knowledge of the law.  Fortunately, the judge is my daddy.  And my lawyer is my brother.

How could I forget that?!? How can I tremble in the presence of a wicked lawyer when just across the room my Daddy has the authority to hold this hoity-toity attorney in contempt of court?!?  It's as nonsensical as forgetting how to start my car and yet it's probably the most frequent temptation I fall into.  I'm not the only one.

Zechariah 3: 1-5 (esv)

Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right hand to accuse him. 2 And the Lord said to Satan, “The Lord rebuke you, O Satan! The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is not this a brand plucked from the fire?” 3 Now Joshua was standing before the angel, clothed with filthy garments. 4 And the angel said to those who were standing before him, “Remove the filthy garments from him.” And to him he said, “Behold, I have taken your iniquity away from you, and I will clothe you with pure vestments.” 5 And I said, “Let them put a clean turban on his head.” So they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him with garments. And the angel of the Lord was standing by.

Here we have God's anointed leader whom He is ready to authorize and honor, and who has the audacity to step into The Lord's court and bring accusation against The Lord's chosen? You betcha, the accuser, Joshua's accuser, my accuser, and yours.  If he will dare to heap guilt upon God's son in His own house, what chance have we of escaping the same tactic.  None, we have no chance.  But we do have an example, countless actually. Before, I say more, let me interject that apart from truth, I had an emotional clue to who was bringing me down.  When the Lord needs me to correct an area of my life or deal with sin, I know exactly what went wrong, how to fix it, and free knowing that I have to power to do things differently going forward.  That's called conviction.  When the enemy wants to shut down the potential God has put with in me, I feel shame, failure, and hopeless.  That's called guilt.  Guilt is to be confronted, conviction must be embraced. Joshua stood in the presence of God and received His words over the liar's.  With eyes fixed on the judge, he listened to Almighty God proclaim him clean (though we are told that he was indeed dirty as the adversary felt need to point out).

Likewise, I'm "dirty" and inadequate. But my Heavenly Father calls me clean.  What glory does my life offer God if I'm well able to accomplish all he's asked of me in my own strength?  By design, my life is more than I can bear until I dump my load on God and trust him to validate me and direct the future.  Every thing the enemy accuses me of has a fragment of truth which make his attacks very convincing.  But the Lord looks at the facts and writes a different story.  I like His better.